The Dandy Warhols - Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia

The Dandy Warhols - Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia
A conversation between Theon Weber, Dan Weiss and Ian Mathers





Dan: STUD
WHO'S DEEP

Theon: i like your babydoll tee

Dan: and off to the fucking side
i only wear babydoll tees
the best thing that ever came out of dating linda
she bought me a shirt from a dandy warhols show she went to with tracy
that can only fit like a toddler
and says on it
YOU DRIVE FAST, I'LL DO THE DRUGS
in trippy 60s font
with a car

Theon: hahahahahahahaha
oh the dandy warhols
they're almost endearing
everyone here hates them so much

Dan: ok group. i like when they do full-on reed impressions

Theon: thirteen tales is in many places great.

Dan: if these many places are nearly all on side B we're talkin

Theon: actually they're pretty evenly distributed sidewise
like, godless is great

Dan: "shakin" "get off" "bohemian like you" "sleep"

Theon: one or the other of mohammed or nietzsche is great, i can never remember

Dan: godless is good
i'm not big on the slow intro songs after godless

Theon: shakin is good. sleep is good. bohemian like you... god, the brown sugar thing bothers me so much but it's good.
big indian is pretty good.
i like horse pills.
that "country" "song" sucks incredibly.

Dan: wow holy shit, i never noticed brown sugar thing until you just said it
bad rockcrit

Theon: good, now try to enjoy the song again

Dan: "horse pills" is great

* * *

Theon: this album has become funnier for me since moving to portland
this "urban bohemia" shit
ok courtney
i live in your fucking city

Dan: taylor-taylor
what an asshole

Theon: i mean in one sense it really is perfect

Dan: i just assumed they were from new york

Theon: because portland is to new york exactly what the dandy warhols are to the velvet underground

Dan: HAHAHA
ok, can we just do this
i don't feel like editing ned raggett's piece at 2:47 am
can we just make this convo an OST for the dandy warhols

Theon: you're always threatening to do this

Dan: i'll leave all this in, even the part about not wanting to edit ned's piece
it was supposed to be fucking hutlock anyway
but he's somewhere
probably in line for fucking space mountain

Theon: hahahahaha

Dan: don't stop talking about the album now!
you were on a roll
portland : new york :: dandys on with it

Theon: i'm listening to it now. see the thing about "country leaver" is
you wouldn't think a parody having contempt for its subject would be bad but it totally is
like these fucking rooster noises

Dan: haha

Theon: is naming the song "country leaver" and also having it be a country song not enough to get the country thing across

Dan: bad country jokes beat bad rap jokes

Theon: would you classify "solid" as a bad rap joke or is that just a lou reed bite
by the way i have listened to that song while "walking around Old Town"
and i had to stop it because i felt like an asshole
someday i'll go back

Dan: why don't we split the difference and say it's an impression...a bad one...of lou doing that rap song of his
what's it called
"the original wrapper"
hahaha

Theon: now that i know we're being watched i can't tell if you're making shit up

Dan: no, i swear
holdon

Theon: is it like christmas wrapping

Dan: christmas wrapping is classic
this is not classic
in fact, it's pretty humdrum
which is odd
because lou reed rapping shouldn't sound like business as usual

Theon: you really don't have to sendspace me this

Dan: no i'm not
just looking for the lyrics

Theon: so that stuff in dig where the dandies are painted as eagerly appropriating the brian jonestown massacres Real Druggies thing
having a photoshoot in their trashed hotel room, etc
like, i don't want this to bother me
and what's more i'm sympathetic towards it because i have exactly the same poser's hangups about drugs!

Dan: this is so bad...i've owned dig for years and haven't watched it yet
although
i appreciate you italicizing dig for me now that we're being all meta

Theon: i do that anyway
i used to IM very properly
Hello, Dan. The Dandy Warhols' 1997 (whatever) album Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia etc
but i atrophied
now i just send text messages like that
god you're right, this opening triptych sucks.
i bet he calls it a triptych too

Dan: isn't it just like the worst paced thing?

Theon: emphasis on the TRIP

Dan: like, HAI WE'RE ON DRUGS, WATCH THE FIRST UPBEAT COME IN ON TRACK FIVE
that's supposed to be "upbeat song"
but i like how abstract it came out

Theon: it's just so cheap making fun of the dandy warhols for thinking their drugs are cooler than they are
can't we take the dandy warhols on their own merits
let's talk about "sleep", that's a good song

Dan: the dandy warhols think everything is cooler than it is

Theon: hmm!

Dan: "sleep" is beautiful
but it's lazy!

Theon: oh my god that's portland

Dan: it loops the same thing for five minutes right? i'm not playing the album right now but i should be

Theon: my ex-girlfriend is with a bike snob and has gone into bike overdrive
portland thinks things are cool that aren't
sonic youth is not going to emerge from a town that recycles

Dan: who's that guy just hanging at your pad
yeah he's lookin pretty bored yeah you broke up that's too bad

Theon: song's so mean.

Dan: they're real snots
i mean
are they on drugs, mocking drugs, mocking themselves on drugs, too smirky to give us a hint
there's a word for this
arch

Theon: "horse pills" is a good song because there's these backup vocals that just yell "PILLS" every measure, and you feel like that should happen in all of these songs
arch implies a certain urbanity that really isn't here.

Dan: hmm

Theon: like, they're at their best when they realize they're this close to the bloodhound gang
"horse pills" has the line "in your itsy bitsy teenie weenie riding up your butt bikini" and in the background someone yells along with riding up your BUTT!

Dan: that sounds like cake!
UP! YOUR! BUTT!

Theon: but see cake is

Dan: take it to the trumpet

Theon: well this is possibly true.

Dan: now cake is arch.

Theon: cake is arch.

* * *

Dan: you know what's strange about this album?
the production is fucknomenal.
like so undeservingly
where did they get this money?
for the space and depth and oddball instruments

Theon: do you know about THE ODDITORIUM

Dan: the most recent album?
or an actual odditorium?

Theon: yeah but it's named after
their giant studio here
THE ODDITORIUM

Dan: who gave these people a studio?
oh, guess what this is from :
I was sittin' home on the West End
watchin' cable TV with a female friend
We were watchin' the news, the world's in a mess
the poor and the hungry, a world in distress
Herpes, AIDS, the Middle East at full throttle
better check that sausage, before you put it in the waffle
And while you're at it - check what's in the batter
make sure that candy's in the Original Wrapper

Theon: herpes
oh my god that could be great
see if that were a dandy warhols song, it would be better!
"a female friend"

Dan: he calls a vagina a waffle

Theon: does "the gospel" suck as much as it did last time i didn't stop after "big indian" which was like three years ago when i had a burned copy of this and my friend brian and i were driving silently back from filming some scene for some movie in the middle of nowhere
and after it trickled into silence brian said "is it over yet"
and put on classic rock radio

Dan: i don't even remember it, that's the final track?

Theon: yeah it is
get this
a gospel takeoff

Dan: snap

Theon: you're right about the production. i really like how clean the beat on "sleep" sounds, between the cracks of all this pseudovelvet hiss.

Dan: yeah!
and the harmonies just lazily pile onto it

Theon: actually you know who's into this
hold on

* * *

Theon Weber has invited you to a group chat. Click here to join the conversation:

In the chat room: Ian Mathers, Theon Weber

Theon: ian can sing the praises of the opening triptych
Dan: haha
Theon: and about the production in general, i think.
Dan: hey ian
Ian: what
Theon: okay this should be explained really. ian we're having this involved conversation about thirteen tales from urban bohemia that may or may not be edited into a thing for dan's blog
Ian: oh god
guys
it's 3 am
i have to go to work tomorrow
Theon: awww iiiiiiiiiiiiian
Ian: also i am drunk
any other time I would be on this like brown on rice

* * *

Meanwhile…

Theon: julia also signed on for like ten seconds then vanished

Dan: hmm

Theon: i was going to invite her in as a Representative Of Portland Cool
no i'm lying, i wasn't actually

Dan: i was gonna say
i really hope ian can join in because i'm setting up the blog entry now
and for the bio
i want to just put that we're the three stylus writers who know how to eat pussy
that that's our thing

Theon: i am not sure i am behind this

* * *

Dan: ian! quick! just give us a sound bite!
Ian: uh uh uh
Theon: i actually like the "guys, it's three am. bye."
Dan: as long as we can complete the triptych of oral pleasers
Ian: i really love the first three songs, but i'm disappointed that they didn't herald the dandy warhols' first shoegazer album
Dan: ian that statement is way too cogent for a drunk fellow
Ian: well
i've been dancing for the last three hours, which clears the head
Dan: neither of us can remember
does "the gospel" suck
Ian: no
it's lovely
Theon: it's rather gauzy, i think, ian might -
yeah, there we go
Ian: i think, anyway
i didn't keep it
it should have ended with "sleep", really
Dan: the whole album should've been "sleep"
and don't think they couldn't
Theon: but with godless interjected occasionally for the sake of the druggy mariachi horns
Ian: well, sleep, godless, mohammad and especially nietzsche
that track is a beast
Theon: that stuff i was saying earlier about not being very comfortable in portland - i feel like i'd have more definite feelings about this album if i did.
i've never met anyone who likes this album.
here, i mean.

* * *

Theon: take out the more irrelevant bits
i mean, don't be seduced by Wacky Banter cause it won't be funny in the morning

Dan: right
i'm thinking i'll save it now
and read over again in the morning and publish

Theon: good call
i'm going to bed.

Dan: yeah same
later

Theon: let's leave the cunnilingus thing alone though
dan

Dan: hahaha
that's already handled
you'll see
well, this is off the record now so i'll show you:
Theon Weber, Dan Weiss and Ian Mathers are like the Three Musketeers of Critillingus

Theon: hmm

Dan: that way it just sounds like clever wordboxing
but we know the truth

Theon: that way it just sounds really gay

Dan: gay like kelly polar gay?

Theon: i am laughing
christ on a crutch

Dan: yeah i'm laughing too honestly
a good sign
ian won't even remember this
he's gonna be like what the fuck
i'm starting it with my stud pic

Theon: yeah i was going to ask about that

Dan: i'm clipping out korey and "better black days"
so it's just "linda bought me a shirt"
fuck how do i ditch the time
before like every line

Theon: HAVE FUN

Dan: ugh

Theon Weber, Dan Weiss and Ian Mathers are like the Three Musketeers of Critillingus.